This year has easily been the most difficult one of my entire life. When I was finishing my mission both my stake president and my mission president said something to the effect of “the adversary will seek revenge for the work you have done.” I knew that would be true. I just don’t think I expected it to be such a long revenge. Don’t get me wrong. This year certainly hasn’t been all bad. But I just wanted to write some of what I have felt. I haven’t written in so long, and writing helps me understand my life.
The most important stage of life is the one I am heading into next, so it only makes sense that a paralyzing fear of marriage would be one of Satan’s greatest tactics. I have looked at myself and have felt so inadequate. There are so many things I don’t know, and as a result I have had felt very unprepared to be a wife or a mom. I felt as if I would be a disappointment, or unprepared, or weak. . . . all unfair things to a future family. So for most of the past year, I found it safest not to even try to head in that direction at all. Being awkward around boys in the first place certainly helped me remain a wallflower. I came dangerously close to not wanting to ever marry at all, and being perfectly fine with that.
Well, why am I writing all of this? There are a lot of reasons, but mostly, it stems from something I learned at church today. I have come to see each Sunday as a mini “General Conference,” a spiritual re-boost each week. A boost that I greatly need and am so grateful that my Heavenly Father provides me.
We were talking about gardening, and how we cultivate our lives. Our testimonies, talents, and abilities don’t come all at once. As a little girl, my family lived in California, and I remember going to go see the great Redwood trees there. They were huge! Especially so as a small child! I realized today, that in a sense, I have been idolizing the great “Redwood-tree-type” people of my life, meanwhile forgetting that we don’t become Redwoods all at once. It takes time. And that’s ok! It’s more than ok. For one of the first times in a long time, my expectations of what I want to be didn’t paralyze me with fear. Instead, I found it exciting to think that becoming a “Redwood” is actually possible. It seemed more of an exciting possibility and challenge rather than something I am condemned for not being already.
All at once, memories of precious tender mercies from my Heavenly Father came streaming through my mind. My dear, dear, final companion of my mission, (who I have no doubt was sent to train me instead of the other way around) who reminded me of something I knew on the mission. We received such divine help in all the work we did. I felt such a strong conviction that the work is so important to our Heavenly Father. “Sister Waters,” she said. “Why would it be any different when you go home and begin to teach your own children, a stewardship that is more eternal and important than the stewardship we have here? Of course you would receive help there as well. Divine help, and earthly help”
I remembered the words of my mission president who taught me the wisdom in marrying younger, and not older if possible. “You see, a great part of marriage is learning from each other, molding, and changing. If you wait too long, you risk becoming stubborn and un-moldable.” So, in other words, I don’t have to wait until I’m perfect. Or more strongly put, I CAN’T be perfect until I reach that step. It’s essential.
Then, there were the words of my dear former zone leader. One of the kindest and most remarkable people I know. After this last general conference, he told me about a lady he works with who said “its not been the best day, but its better to not have the best day than to miss it all.” I love that. I don’t want to look back and think I “missed it all.”
I have so many blessings in my life. Will the things in this post resolve my fears automatically? If you know me at all, you’ll know that I am a worrier and that some things are easier said than done. But writing helps. I can continue to pray that these things gradually bring me out of the tunnel I’ve been in for the last while. And that life will get easier, in a sense.
I am going to miss Utah. It helps that most of my friends have moved on from this place, but I love this state all the same. Most of all, I am going to miss the pioneer temples here. There is something extra sacred about them I believe. I think there is also a special reverence for temples with which your family is associated. I went to visit the Manti temple yesterday, and it was so worth it! One of my best friends thinks I am ridiculous. I tell her that I would rather be married in St. George, Manti or Salt Lake than in DC. She says that the DC temple is probably one of the most popular temples in the world, and I live there, so why would I prefer Utah’s temples? Yet it makes perfect sense to me. Unfortunately, the days of it being practical to get married in Utah are coming to an end. On the other hand, moving closer to home increases the likelihood of ending up closer to family in the long run. And that’s a blessing I am happy to live with!
